Sunday, April 24, 2011

DIVORCE is final

This is something I don't often write about but it is coming up on the 15 year mark when my divorce was final...It was the saddest season of my life next to my mama's death..  I am going to write a little about this experience without getting bogged down in the emotions of that time and then this will have been put down on paper for all to read..especially for those that have experienced it or know someone that has....so this part of my story if for you..you are not alone....

I remember like it was yesterday when I was told by my ex that he  wanted a divorce..I just said NO and thought that was the end of it..can we say naive??   little did I know he meant it and had been planning it for a while..you see, our youngest was soon to be 18 and he thought his responsibility was over..  but what about me?  I had spent my grownup life raising the children and taking care of home...I had no job skills and no experience and no degrees to fall back on...I was terrified...I did not know what I would do...after he walked out on me one Sunday night after we got home from church, I called some friends..they were not surprised..they had seen it coming...QUEEN of denial speaking here.. :-)  in the very next day or so, a sweet friend, Julie, came over and brought her babies and a sack of hamburgers and we sat in my yard on the grass and talked...and I cried...I had no idea what I would do.. I called a lawyer friend of mine and he talked to me and took my case..I had no money...all of the money was in his name and he had taken it all out of the accounts..he filed for divorce 2 days after he left.  I was served the papers by the sheriffs dept at my house....further humiliation...I did not want this divorce....we went for counseling...it was a joke..he just sat there with the divorce already in the works in the background..I was devastated, scared, and angry...my life was being torn apart against my will...I didn't want to be going through this at all.
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I had many friends that I would call and they would listen as I cried and talked..they were my absolute support system..I am forever grateful for their putting up with me....I was so afraid of what was happening to me...  I am not innocent in this but it felt like this was done to me..I tried everything I knew to do to talk him out of this divorce...nothing mattered to him except getting away from me...I thought I could change things.   I was wrong...but I don't like the victim role..it doesn't fit me well....so at some point, hope kicked in..well, I actually do remember when it happened....a day or two before Christmas, 1994...I was in my basement on my knees crying my eyes out, with snot streaming onto the floor mixed with my tears....LOUD crying...sobbing....saying what am I going to do????what am I going to do???  I called my counselor and she asked me if I wanted some medication..##*****##!!!!!!!!!   WAKEUP call...I said NO  and I meant it.....from that day forward I very slowly began to come out of this mess I was living in....I realized it was not the end of the world.  I was looking better..had lost 30 lbs in the first month..he left Nov 6, 1994..so this was almost 2 months later...I still sat in a chair and stared at the wall a lot with my dog, Daisy in my lap...the rejection was overpowering and never ending..it seemed like every week I got a letter from his attorney saying I had to do something else...I could not believe this was happening to me and at the same time I had to accept that it was and I had to deal with it..what a rollercoaster..if you are still reading, bless you and thank you.....

At some point, I decided that I was going to be the best divorced woman ever and that I would hold my head up and run through this fire and then help every woman I ever ran into that was going through a divorce to run though this too...I guess I should interject somewhere that I did not get a reason from my ex for why he was doing this..he would just say I wouldn't help him and he felt smothered....everyone else asked me if there was another woman...I always said NO, of course not...another one of those times S.T.U.P.I.D was stamped on my forehead...of course there was another woman for a loooong time.   she is now his wife..but, that is beside the point...

I fought against this thing for almost a year....the first lawyer visit I had, I said he can just have everything.. :-) my sweet ,wise lawyer waited on me to come to my senses and then we talked again...he could NOT have everything.
I got a job in April and started on a new path for my life..
this verse was so meaningful to me.....He takes away the first in order to establish the second.....
I decided to let ALL of the first be taken away like a clean sweep and start again... I started to discover who I am ..really......I was single for the first time in my life.....I had to learn how to open a checking account and how to take my car to the mechanic, how to pay bills and do it on my own..My daughter was a rock to me during all of this...but I became too dependent on her and had to push her out of the nest so she would not be too screwed up by an overly dependent mama...my son would HUG me and he was strong for me during this...but I knew I had to remain the mama even if I didn't feel like it anymore...
I made it through this whole year of uncertainty and humiliation and growth, did I say GROWTH??  on Labor Day I went to my lawyers office and made the final adjustments to the papers...it was DONE..the next week, my lawyer called me and asked me to come to his office...I remember sitting at my desk and lowering my head and hearing as plain as day these words.....Go and do what he tells you to do......I got up and went to his office and when I sat down ..he said sign here..I said is there anything I can do to stop this?  He looked at me and said.....EX has already signed the papers, you are divorced, sign here.......so I DID......it was finally FINAL....over..  a 22 year marriage gone...now what???  but God always has a plan if we follow Him....I came home and called my pastors wife and she read me this verse from the Bible...
  Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, LET HIM LEAVE......the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases.....
so, that settled it for me....I let go.....
and
the very next week...I met Bryan Gabriel...the very best thing to ever happen to me...next to Jesus...and my life started to BLOSSOM.......

8 comments:

  1. Mona, Thanks so much for sharing this!!! I know it wasn't easy but it will be an encouragement to so many women!!!

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  2. Mona - this was so helpful! i absolutely loved it. I have already begun a blog (well, designing a blog). When i am out for the summer, I intend to start writing in earnest. It will help me, too, I know. It is cathartic, isn't it? Your blog is wonderful. This story resonated with me especially, but I guess you know that. Thank you for being such a special you. I know God put me here and you there on purpose. Much love, seriously, and thank you again.

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  3. GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!! I think I may have shared with you already that I have been married and divorced not just once, but a few times. I was making the wrong choices in men, failing to see (or perhaps better stated "ignoring") that marrying them was a shortcut to nowhere I really wanted to be in this life. It wasn't until I settled it in my mind that this was not a decision for ME to make that I got it right. I handed it over to God, and within a very short period of time I met Ramon. Twenty-two years later, I am so glad that I surrendered and let Him take the reins.

    I know a lot of women who would have just given up when faced with the situation in which you found yourself. You were wise to give love another try. We're always wiser the 2nd time around. Except for me, of course. I'm totally LD so it took me FOUR more tries after that first one by which time I was SUPER wise!!! ;-)

    This was a very good post, and I commend you for writing it. High five to you and Bryan both for recognizing a good thing when you saw it!!! Take care, and have a great holiday weekend.

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  4. Ever read that wonderful novel about divorce? I loved it anyway...btw, our stories are quite similar with the exception that my first husband passed away about a year after our divorce. You described the desperation so very well. Oh that novel? Revenge of the Middle~Ged Woman by Elizabeth Buchan.

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  5. Mona, you are so real & transparent. Ralph & I love you and Bryan dearly. Your honest sharing should help many folks, men along with women who have suffered rejection & unfaithful mates.

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  6. Wish we had stayed in touch all those years ago so I could have been there for you. Went through the same with my ex. But God saw me through it all.

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  7. So sorry you had to go through all of this--so sad--but sometimes when we think we are like a weed we turn in to the most beautiful flower! love you!

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  8. I hardly can find any words....you said precisely what needed to be said with much eloquence. You came to my mediation and coached me for many months. I will pay it forward. Desire greatly to be in your life again, just an occasional meal out, J.Joes or visit in one anothers' home. Realize married couples prefer 'hanging out' with other duets....but, I miss you terrible. And, even 'tho it's not something demanded (you have every right to withhold explanation) as a sister in Christ, the distance is confusing and my heart hurts not knowing....

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