Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Heartstrings

For some reason, just this week I have really been missing my Mama...there are so many things I would like to share with her and I know she would love hearing what I have to say.....She has been gone for more than 7 years but it still seems like yesterday that I talked with her or shared a one line email....we had just begun talking in depth about why she started painting and how old she was and things like that...I had just heard my birth story from her own heart about a month before she died.....I have a series of emails where she was dreaming with me about our buying our first house together  me and Bryan....she was full of ideas and encouragement..and so happy that we were getting something I had wanted forever......then....she was GONE...just like that....on the way to a daylily garden opening and never made it.  I even have the email she sent me the night before telling me about their trip the next day....

Well, life can be short and things can happen that we never expect  and take us by surprise.  then we have to adjust our life accordingly...most of the grief has been walked through so this little period right here has taken me by surprise.  I do not know why I am missing her so much, I just know that I am....and for today, I will just feel it rather than trying to make it go away....
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I put this song here, Clair De Lune played on piano  because it reminds me so much of Mama..She played this song many, many times while I was growing up and every time I hear this song, I think of her...I always remember the house having a lot of piano music ..she played excellently...I miss hearing that.
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Maybe it is all the Thanksgiving preparations that make me think of her..I can still remember well how she would prepare for holiday gatherings and how we helped get things ready...she was a good homemaker and I understand her and the things she did so much better now that I am really grown up.  LOL

I don't dwell in the past about this....I am missing her in the present..I would like to talk with her about my grandsons and about life as it is now...today...I know that it will never happen..this is what life is for me....so I will be a good mama to my children and a grandmother to my grandchildren.....and hope that one day when I am gone, they still miss me  but not in  a paralyzing, debilitating way..just good, warm memories...I want them to go on with their lives like I have and just in a very good, healthy way...Remember Mama...so for today..I will remember a little deeper so I can tomorrow get on with life and not be stuck in grief.....
I love you, Mama and I am grateful for what you imparted to me...my Thanksgiving table will be really pretty...

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