Friday, October 15, 2010

Mountain Mama

I am going to try to make sense of what is rumbling around in my head this morning..maybe by writing it down, it will make more sense...maybe not.  LOL

We drove up to the NC mountains yesterday near Waynesville....it is a place I am very familiar with since I have been going there as far back as I can remember.I don't even know how all of this came about but it did..it is the truth about my life.and my parents.......Every year about May, they packed up their camper and headed north from their home in FL...they would park somewhere in western North Carolina and spend the summer there into Oct and then head back south....they always stopped and visited with us in Oct on their way back home.....most years we visited with them while they were living in the mountains somewhere near ASheville, Hendersonville, Waynesville...that general area...I grew to LOVE those mountains and the people there and going to see my parents in the camper...eating food Mama had prepared in the little camper kitchen and sometimes spending the night in the motel next door to the campground....

But here is  the part that I am going over and over about...I was always the ONLY child while they lived here...it was me and my children that knew these mountain parents..this mama that LOVED the Blue Ridge Mountains and the parkway and Asheville and taught me to love them too..and took me and my children on trips there from the time my children were about 3 and 4..I don't remember my brother ever visiting them there and my sister went only one time and that is when I took her to see them the last year Mama was living...

Here is the thing I have going on...their home in FL is so foreign to me..I have not made the transition well..maybe not at all.....My parents lives in NC stopped abruptly when she died....my Daddy never went back....the loss has been pushed down somewhat in me..who am I going to talk to about it?  who would understand??  My parents lived in NC...my siblings parents lived in FL.....and we didn't hardly mix it up....I stayed north and they stayed south...I really miss this whole thing....them living in NC, my visiting them there, them coming thru Athens on the way home every fall....and not sharing this part of our family with my siblings at all...they did not participate...they haven't understood why I am not on the road all the time to FL to visit Daddy....first, it is a long way and a hard thing to change, my parents lived in NC not FL...yes, I have been to FL some..it just seems weird..it is TOO HOT and everybody is OLD!

One memory that is priceless...When Jon and Betsy were little, we bought a peck of apples and put them in the back of the truck that had a camper top on it...(it was not illegal to ride back there and we spent a lot of time in the mountains riding in the back of that truck)....I had gotten into the cab of the truck and left children in the back along with the apples...When we got to our destination, the campground and opened the back to let them out..the apples were rolling around everywhere.....with tiny little bites taken out of all the apples...LOLOLOL  they had been playing store and sampling all of the apples......My Mama was NOT AMUSED!   it was hilarious...and a small price to pay for all the times we have laughed about this story.

I am still trying to reconcile the two lives my parents lived..I participated in one and my brother and sister participated in another..no wonder there is such division in our family...and I don't know how to fix it..
but I do know I have a grief that they don't know about and don't share.....I wish they had bought the home in NC that they talked about for years...maybe we will fulfill that and the dream won't be dead...  I just needed to vent this morning and try to work this out...thank you for hanging with me....and I would love any of your insights or comments to heal me see this clearer...
Yesterday's trip to NC mountains was absolutely wonderful even if a ride to downtown Waynesville just wasn't happening for me because of another layer of grief and healing....



1 comment:

  1. Home is always where your parents (or parent) is. For my family, we lived several places and even though I have been in Clarkesville for over 34 years, my two oldest were in college when we moved here, my third a senior and my baby a 9th grader. None of them I don't think call Clarkesville home, but my house is home because that is where I am now and their Dad was when he passed away. Gratefully, they all still want to be together, but it becomes more difficult with children and for one a grandchild now to be raised. Just know that I understand, but it is probably time to go and see the other half of your parents life...because they were a part of two worlds and now your Dad has only one. Don't regret not sharing this with him, especially at this time. We all want to "go Home again" but it really doesn't work, even when we want it to. I will pray that you will follow your heart and do what is best for you.

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