Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Real life

Sometimes there is a post that I know I need to write ...... I keep pushing it away, but it keeps on resurfacing.   So today I am going to share a little about our journey....me and Bryan....our life together and some of the things that have made us into the couple we are so far....
We have experienced so much joy together but we have also had a very very lot of sadness....here is part of our story and one of the reasons we celebrate each other every Tuesday night by going on a date..
We met this time of year 15 years ago...we were so good for each other..

Soon after we got married I found out I was pregnant...we were thrilled...but this little one was not to be...I miscarried while Bryan was at the Promise Keepers's rally in Washington DC...then another unexpected pregnancy..we were ecstatic....and I miscarried the day after my birthday....and these losses are indeed silent losses...hardly anyone knows.but the pain is so real..there is the grief of losing a baby...a few years and I went for a checkup and the results were...I am pregnant for the 3rd time since we got married....this little baby was loved and wanted and we told people and we were so excited but I miscarried again right before the first.ultrasound...me, Bryan and my daughter were all there to see the first glimpse of this awesome baby but the news was sadness instead...no heartbeat....I miscarried  about 2 weeks later....so we have 3 little ones in heaven..I grieved and missed them ..hardly anyone knew we were going thru this...miscarriage is such a silent grief...it shouldn't be like that..I don't know if I have ever really talked about it very much.  if you have had a miscarriage, you understand....

We have had 3 grandmothers die since we have been together..my mama was tragically killed in a car wreck....and Bryan's grandaddy also was buried.....we have had friends betray us, business partners do us wrong...we have had 2 dogs die......
we suffered through 10 years of such difficulty with an ex that insisted upon parental alienation syndrome..so in the end she won and we lost....and the daughter/stepdaughter disappeared from out lives at the age of 14...this is a pain like no other...the rejection can be overwhelming....and the grief...
we have stood with a child as he went through divorce...

BUT

We have decided to choose LIFE...to celebrate the gains in our life and not to make a monument to the losses...there have been many, too many in my opinion....but then I hear of a friend receiving a new liver and celebrating REAL life and I am overwhelmed at what some people have gone through.....we all go through sadness and grief to some degree..we should share our stories so that others know they are not alone...that we are all going through something....the key is going through..not getting stuck in IT...whatever IT is..we have many opportunities to just sit down in the mess and make a monument of pity right there...I don't want to throw a pity party and invite everyone...but I want to be able to talk about what we have really been through..what has made us stronger, what we have fought to get through...of why our love for each other is so committed and deep....it has been tested in the fires of affliction...and we choose to celebrate what is good ..not focus on what is wrong....every day is not a happy day for us but we keep pressing on...moving forward to a better day...and encouraging others as we do it....

I miss my babies, parent, and grandparents and my dogs and my stepdaughter..but..the grief does not control my life......

The addition of 3 grandsons and 5 Aussies  (dogs)  is part of my full life...I love my husband and my children..Overall, there is GAIN instead of loss....there is light that shines in the darkness and that is where I choose to live...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good reputation, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things

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